Post Christmas Chores

Did you have to return a gift this year?  I hope you weren't in line behind this fictitious irate customer.

She screeched loudly, and with no abeyance
She asked for help from the saints
I never heard such a fuss
I tell you she was
About two hundred pounds of complaints.

So if a gift didn't quite suit you, I hope you appreciate the spirit in which it was given.

Some gifts you'd prefer to decline
Just remember the giver was tryin'
So tolerate misgiving
Be kind and forgiving
As with limericks posted on-line.

Happy New Year to all.

Are You Ready for Season Five?

I don't feel like rewatching four seasons of Downton Abbey, but there is so much I have forgotten.


I know Matthew and Sybil have died,
Lady Edith has a baby to hide,
But I couldn't name half
Of the family and staff,
I need Downton Abbey, the Idiot's Guide.

Will season five just be an extended audition for Lady Mary's future husband?

Will Mary keep on playing the field?
Will the Ice Princess finally yield?
Is she still in denial
Of the season three final?
Is her blue blood fully congealed?

Life in the Espresso Lane

We live a long way from the national brand coffee houses, and I found I had a lot to learn.

I asked for a small caffe latte

I then heard the barista say

"See the chart on the wall?

We don't have a small,

Want a tall, or a venti or a grande?

So, with some confusion I read the wall chart.

The largest of all is the venti

In fluid ounces this gets you twenty

The Grande's sixteen

With the same dose of caffeine

And the Tall is the shortest of three.

I decided on a "Tall" and started to relax.

I still had more choosing to do

I had several milk options too

There is dairy or soy

And I thought oh boy

I need caffeine to think this all through.

Miscellany and Santa


Is the Patriot Act a threat to gift giving?

The prospect is too dire to dismiss 
The NSA could destroy Christmas 
If they find a way to
Hack Santa's data
They might decipher his list.

No matter what you believe, I wish you all the best.

The gifts all arrived Christmas Eve. 
The logistics are hard to conceive 
Is he real - Santa C.
Or just fantasy?
You believe what you want to believe. 

Our Government and Santa

Santa isn't just way ahead of parents and kids, he's got government scientists baffled too.

The Air Force is seeking a way

To reverse engineer Santa’s sleigh

The fat man in the red suit

Eludes their pursuit -

He’s a blank on their radar display.

But it's good to know that he leaves no environmental impact either.

He freely invades US airspace

And departs without leaving a trace

In an ancient machine

(environmentally clean), 

Santa’s leading the technology race.

Science and Santa

Global warming scares children because

Of the harm caused by polar ice thaws

Since every child knows

That polar ice flows

Are the home of the elves and Santa Claus.

As adults we often don't understand things that are very easy for a child to see.

Quantum physics is abstract and dense

Too arcane for adults and parents

But children understand

It's how Santa Claus can

Simultaneously attend many events.

Where is Justice?

I have hesitated to write about all of this, but it keeps haunting me.

Police claim to serve and protect

But that's not what many can expect

Killing twelve year old boys

Just playing with toys

Donning riot gear when people object.

The grand jury failed to appease

Ferguson's distrust and unease

When peaceful protest

Becomes civil 'unrest'

It's a symptom, it's not the disease.

Just what does excessive force mean?

What evidence needs to be seen?

Is justice a joke?

That illegal choke

Was visible right there on the screen.

Corporate Personhood - Again

If a corporation can be construed
As a person, I don't mean to be crude
But corporate inception
Means immaculate conception
If not, then someone got screwed.

Social Skills

When I was young I always felt that the only way I learned social skills was by thoroughly embarrassing myself.  There were rules, and I was the only one ignorant of them.

So often I felt like a fool

Unaware of some pertinent rule

Other kids had the rule book

And knew where to look;

I was absent when they taught that at school.

And now that hard won social awareness still needs work.

I’m no good at infighting tactics 

So I hate petty office politics

Because I find them hard 

They catch me off guard,

Those sneaky get ahead kind of tricks.

Season’s Greetings

As the winter solstice draws near

Days shorten in this hemisphere

Yet retailers’ antics

Subvert astral mechanics,

Black Friday grows longer each year.

Most faiths have a December holiday

And their followers all find a way

To do what is done

To support their religion,

Have you done your shopping today?

 I Stand Corrected

It seems I owe you an apology.  Strictly speaking I may not always post limericks.  I sent my Thanksgiving post to an acquaintance whose e mail is Prof**** and received a lesson about limericks in reply.

The professor was so unimpressed

About syllables stressed and unstressed

I had iambed to excess

And I put in less

Than the requisite quota of anapest.

And I quote, “Limericks seem easy but are trickier than they look. They require rigorous adherence to their metrical scheme (two lines of three anapests [^^- ^^- ^^-], two lines of two anapests, and a final line of three anapests) though an iamb [^-] can be substituted for the first anapest in each line.”

So, please accept my apology.  As you can see, I have substituted an I am to start most of the lines.

I am totally humbled, embarrassed

I am sure it is time I confessed

I am sloppy at best

About stressed and unstressed,

I am unschooled in iamb and anapest.

Thanks, That Was Great

She entered the room fully dressed
And exposed her thighs and her breast
In a lust induced trance
I loosened my pants
And ate the turkey with zest.

You tell someone 'Get Stuffed' if you're mad
Call them Turkey if their performance is sad
Is it the other way
On Thanksgiving Day
Or is stuffed turkey good enough to be Bad?

Are You a Football Fan?

Big guys who make a very good living pushing people around seem to think it should work off the field too.

It’s football season again

Violent, semi-organized mayhem

Hit, block and bruise

Are the skills that they use

On the field, and back home with their women.

I have always wondered how the refs can be sure exactly where forward progress stopped when there are 6 or 8 guys in a pile.  It just might be possible that the ball moved while they were unpiling.

The referee’s first down decision

Measured with absolute precision

With the ball buried deep

Under men in a heap

Means the refs must have X ray vision.

Shyness

Would I feel so awkward if I called it diffidence or reserve?

Whenever I meet someone new

After Hello and How Do You Do?

My shyness starts showing

Ideas stop flowing

It’s an impasse I would love to get through.

It shuts down part of my brain 

Just talking becomes a real strain

There’s a total reduction

Of verbal production;

I’m afraid I’ll say something inane.

Occasionally the inner ham sneaks out:  ( http://youtu.be/nEBynfj5LeA )

Miscellany

On noting people’s accomplishments before it’s too late.

Obituaries are usually very

Appreciative, but death is necessary.

It’s a shame that the dead

Never learn what’s been said,

But death puts the Bitch in obituary.

Keep voting and Carry on!

When I think - Oh I’ve survived this before -

Sometimes the thought helps restore

Strength to endure

Other times I’m not sure

If I can take this stuff any more.

 Real Politics, Unreal Politicians

The last generation of Conservatives would now seem liberal.

My reaction to the elections this Fall

Is fear, disgust and appall

Reagan seems saner

When compared to John Boehner

And McConnell makes Nixon look liberal.

And those are the moderates.

Then there are Inhofe and Cruz

Who claim Climate Change is a ruse

Their logic's unreliable

They may not be certifiable

But they don’t have many screws left to lose.

Roughly 37% of all eligible voters voted.  If even 60% of them voted Republican (I checked the Senate races and the votes were 51% R, 46% D and 3% Other) then only 22% of eligible voters voted for the people who control the Senate (53% of the Senate) and the House (57% of the House).

The Dark Side

We set our clocks forward in spring

When light lingered late in the evening

We find in the fall

We’ve squandered it all;

The daylight we thought we were saving.

My yoga teacher says we need to learn to ‘embrace the darkness’.  That’s a real stretch.

The days are too short for my taste

Afterwork daylight’s been erased

The sun cuts back its hours

And my mood often sours

Will the darkness lighten if embraced?

Post Election Depression

Mitch McConnell says Republicans have an 'obligation' to cooperate with Obama?

McConnell says its time to dispel

Tactics to make Obama’s life hell

After six years of obstruct

He’s got business to conduct

And an old bridge in Brooklyn to sell.

Eliot Cutler was asked by the Democrats to run on their ticket, but he declined, making it a 3 way disaster.

Eliot Cutler tried to take center stage

But his grandstanding created outrage

He’s no Angus King 

And his ‘Independent’ thing

Has given us eight years of LePage.

Which is Scarier?

Have you ever thought about the similarities between Halloween and Election Day?  

On Halloween kids disguise themselves in order to get treats, and if you can’t see through their disguise - they win.

For Election Day politicians disguise their threats and promise treats, and if you can’t see through their disguise - they win.

Costumed children are out on the streets

Threatening tricks but hoping for sweets

Do people recognize

The politicians in disguise

Glibly promising everyone treats?

At Halloween children are wary

Of goblins and a ghoulish menagerie

But for adults

The election results

Could be even more scary.

I seem to write about politics frequently, despite the advice to write about what you know.

For almost 10 months I’ve been host

Writing new limericks to post

Although I try

Some ideas won’t die

And resurface like a Halloween ghost.

Happy Halloween

Last summer featured a production of the new play R&J&Z (Romeo and Juliet and Zombies) purporting to show what happens after Shakespeare gave up once his protagonists died.

http://cultureshock.bangordailynews.com/2014/07/11/rockin-out/bangor-native-gets-bloody-in-romeo-juliet-zombies-at-stonington-opera-house/

Zombies are the monsters du jour

Invading Shakesperean literature

- Romeo and Juliet -

Not Macbeth or Hamlet

Does undying love still endure?

If Jane Austen were alive today would she be writing about Zombies?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pride_and_Prejudice_and_Zombies

Zombies now haunt Pemberly!

Incongruity to the highest degree!

The undead have been tossed in

The world of Jane Austen

Of etiquette and lively repartee.

$30 per Vote?  You Get What You Pay For.

Apparently in this election over $4 billion will be spent to influence votes, that’s not counting ‘dark money‘ that isn’t tracked.  In 2012 fewer than 120 million people voted.

Supreme Court decisions enhance

The power of surreptitious finance

But cash calls the tunes

The justices are buffoons

If they don’t see the candidates dance.

Clean campaigns are a joke

Transparency has gone up in smoke

Though on each side

Donors may hide

The right wing’s addicted to Koch.

So we get the best representatives money can buy?  In a recent vote on a bill that would ensure that in some cases women would be paid at the same rate as men,  ALL Republican women voted against it.  Did they also agree to take a 20 to 30% cut in pay?  If not, why not?

Paying them less isn’t right

You’d think women would stand up and fight

But they all voted nay

On a law for equal pay

Republican Women Unite!

I’m Working on a Title for This One

It’s a powerful, natural force

Physicists are seeking its source

Their lack of progress

Could be expected, I guess

They’re studying procrastination of course.

This weekend I finally started getting the sailboat ready to be hauled out of the water, even though I had only used it once this summer.  Next year ...

It was  job I could no longer postpone

I sought no help, I just did it alone

But I really don’t mind

Working solo I find

More leeway to gripe, bitch and moan.

Omitted by Design?

When Opera House Arts announced their expansion plans with a press release last spring, they gave themselves credit for an image I created, and neglected to mention Eric A Chase, Architecture (for whom I work) as their Architect.  In their latest newsletter publicizing the new lobby and scenery shop they again neglected to name their architect, though they mentioned others involved in the project.  

In promoting their new facility

The owners gave donors publicity

They thanked the builder as well

The architect’s name was withheld

Thus preserving my anonymity.

They gave another architect credit

For a quick little sketch that he did

The builder-to-be

Got promotion - for free

But the project’s architect? Fuhgedit!

Click on the title Other Stuff (at right) to read more.

Less Than a Month to Election Day

If we don’t like the current Congress members and think they are doing a lousy job, why do we re-elect them?

Many cry ‘trow da bums out’

But the outcome is rarely in doubt

Unless someone retools

Congressional districting rules
Most incumbents will win in a rout.

Among the many reasons to thank the military is their contribution to the American / English language.  A glossary is printed below.

Congress is a major SNAFU

This session it’s even FUMTU

Compromise is AWOL

The COA is stall

It’s FUBAR all the way through.

SANFU - Pronounced sna-fu - Situation Normal All Fouled Up

FUMTU - Pronounced fum -tu - Frigged Up More Than Usual

AWOL - pronounced a- wall - Absent With Out Leave

COA - pronounced See Oh Ay - Course of Action

FUBAR - pronounced fu-bar - Fricked Up Beyond All Recognition

Got Any Enthusiasm to Spare?

I don’t feel like working today

I’d like to stay home and play

Relax and have fun,

There’s too much to get done

I’d just work around the house for no pay.

I try to rekindle the fire

Some mornings I lack the desire

I need something new

A different point of view

Perhaps it’s time to retire.

Reunion Muse

Every 5 years my college class puts together a report from - very to not so - brief summaries of our activities for the last few years.

In the reunion report one reads

Of many classmates’ notable deeds

What is not evident

Is the bios not sent;

How well the silent half succeeds.

Many classmates write a modest report (a well known movie star, a wealthy software tycoon, a Nobel Prize winner), many don’t respond at all (a well known composer, a Nobel prize winner, and who knows who else?).  Some (see below) seem to be practicing the art of humblebragging (new entry in the OED).

Many classmates say they feel blessed.

The source of that blessing? My Guess?

In the glowing reports

Of wise choices and efforts

The gratitude seems self addressed.

 It’s Confusing

Does IT have a plural?

Consider the simple word its

Which sometimes an apostrophe splits

As a contraction it’s it’s

As a possessive it’s its

It’s confusing sometimes which its fits.

Reflections

I just got back from a class reunion, many of my old friends were not there, some by choice.

I always enjoy class reunions

They’re emotional not spiritual communions

I’m sad when I go

Missing old friends I know

But happy to talk with some new ones.

But meeting people and starting conversations isn’t easy for me.

Whenever I meet someone new

I never know quite what to do

How are you, a hand squeeze

Then a total brain freeze

What next? I haven’t a clue.

Free Advice

You can’t go wrong if you pick the right aphorism.

You’re lost if you pause or hesitate

Because time and tide will not wait

But a practice worth keeping

Is to look before leaping

Because never is much worse than late.

For a fool and his money.

Memories they tell me are priceless

My thoughts fetch a penny or less

A skinflint will ignore

That you get what you pay for

But the free things in life are still best.

The OED Breaks New Ground

As I am sure you know, that’s a metaphor.

And what is a metaphor?

It’s for when you need more

Than mere simile

When your object must be

Something else down to its core.

Every year the OED (Oxford English Dictionary) adds some new words.  I don’t mean to humblebrag, but I worked two of them into the limerick below.

See also:  http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/11034121/Amazeballs-Your-guide-to-the-OEDs-street-speak.html

Some purists think it’s deplorbs

What the OED added is horbs

But the new words are totes

Acceptable colloques

And slangmeisters find them adorbs.

Tax Break Defender  Needed - No Financial Experience Required

Eric Cantor lost his reelection bid
It's no big surprise what he did
Wall Street guys know
He put in his quo
So now he is getting his quid.

Is Leaning Back in the Seat in Front of ME Really More Comfortable?

Believe it or not this was in the NY Times this week.  Joseph Barro wants you to pay him to keep his seat upright.

Should the knee defender be banned?
A dispute got way out of hand
A passenger groused
And then he got doused
They cut short the flight to land.

The New York Times is opining
On the etiquette of seat back reclining.
Who owns the air rights
To their seat on plane flights?
It seems these rules need defining.

The Second Amendment Was Written When You Had to Stop to Reload

Six bullets to stop an unarmed man.

"Guns don't kill, people do."
In Ferguson this may be true
But an Uzi went wild
In the hands of a child
Shooting her instructor before he ever knew.

Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's right.

The magazine had lots of rounds in it
The gun can fire 600 a minute
As amusement it's fine
For a young child of nine
And Arizona law does permit it.

Do Any of You Know How to Do This?

There is expertise that my skill set lacks
When I sit down my superego reacts
I'm able to do nothing
But it just keeps on fussing -
And I really find it hard to relax.

Grammar Rules

Three views of grammar.

Grammar rules are like, last century

We ditch it, if its up to me

They’re a pain in the butt

Me and my friends are So What?

We could care less, literally.

Ain’t got no use for no grammar rules

They tried to frickin’ learn me in schools

‘Course I goan diss ‘em

Ain’t nobody goan miss ‘em

No good to nobody but fools.

Grammar is evolving today

I doubt the subjunctive will stay

Many mangle the possessive

Ignore the objective

And even the past tense is passé.

Ms. Doty (7th grade English teacher) should be smiling in her grave because the first two were very hard for me to write.

Euphemisms

If someone posts smut on the internet and no one understands it, is it still obscene?  You may have to consult this website in order to understand the following.  

http://mentalfloss.com/article/57872/31-adorable-slang-terms-sexual-intercourse-last-600-years

Remember Mark Sanford who said he’d been hiking on the Appalachian trail?

He hiked on the Appalachian trail 

Chasing Argentinian tail 

By boarding land carracks 

Forming a beast with two backs, 

The soul mates played at couch quail. 

Is your hormone level too high? 

There’s culbatizing exercise you can try, 

Play hey gammer cook 

Or lerricompoop,

In Eros’ embrace you may die. 

Play the pyrdewy, don't wait 

Dance the Paphian jig until late 

Fadoodle and hug 

Play nug-a-nug 

And give a green gown to your mate. 

My thanks to poet and friend Peter H Desmond for giving me the link to mental floss.  You can read some of Peter’s poems on:

http://www.shitcreekreview.com/issue6/page12.htm?12

http://www.poetryporch.com/scroll00.html

http://ramblingrose.com/folly/2005_09/the_cafe.html

http://washingtonart.com/beltway/desmond.html

August

A minor milestone.

Seven months of blogging today

Seven months of ego display

I don’t know why

I’m basically shy

And some days have nothing to say.

Isn't taking all of August off kind of a French thing?

Congress went home for recess

But now their work starts in earnest

They fundraise and schmooze

Learn their big donors’ views

And return in September to rest.

Not PC

I’ve been using Macs for about 30 years, and PCs for 10 or so.  I have one program which only runs on Windows.  That program is fine, but the Windows part ....

The irritation is difficult to bear

And my Doctors don’t seem to care

They express disbelief

And offer no relief

For my allergy to Microsoft software.

You Think You’re So Smart Don’tcha?

I grew up with a bad attitude

My view of the world was skewed

I was raised to assume

I was the smartest in the room

Making friends forced reality to intrude.

Well, maybe I gotta a few things to learn.

It doesn’t matter a whole helluva lot

Whether you’re the smartest or not

If you’re bright enough to discern

The brain grows as you learn

You can increase the brain power you got.

 Ice Age Litter

The glaciers scoured all the loose rocks from Canada and dragged them to the Coast of Maine.

The glaciers came to Maine for vacation

Leaving litter when they were done

Between the frost and the plow

It’s still surfacing now

And we harvest the rocks by the ton.

The buried rocks are forced to the surface when the ground freezes and thaws, especially if the soil has been loosened by a plow.  A reliable crop, they can be harvested every year.

Farming in Maine is hard toil

The glaciers took all of our top soil

But rocks grow easily

They are calorie free

Drought tolerant, frost proof, and don’t spoil.

How Do You Get to Carnegie Hall?

Malcolm Gladwell claimed that a person can master a skill with 10,000 hours of practice.

Ten thousand hours to complete mastery?

Practice is not alchemy

Although the fact is

I get better with practice

It won’t make a Shakespeare of me. 

Other studies conclude that talent makes a big difference.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/15/science/which-matters-more-talent-or-practice.html?module=Search&mabReward=relbias%3Ar%2C%7B%221%22%3A%22RI%3A7%22%7D

Some say practice is eighty per cent

Others say it is talent

When they are combined

With passion, you’ll find

Then the results are transcendent.

Practice and talent have their part

Just practicing won’t make you Mozart

He probably practiced all day

Considered it play

And had an awesome talent to start.

Exercise and the Brain

I've read so many articles about the benefits of exercise, but I still find it hard to make the time for it.  OK, I find other things to do and I tell myself they are important.

Why is it I don't realize

I feel better when I get exercise?

Brain and body resist

Screaming 'cease and desist!'

My excuse lobe has tripled in size.

It was a beautiful morning and I did get out for a run, excuse me, jog.

I go for a run, not a dash

The real runners go by in a flash

While I gasp and wheeze

They pass by in a breeze

If I watched them I'd probably get whiplash.

 Impeach?

Sarah Palin, calling for the impeachment of the president, said the influx of young illegal immigrants over the southern border “is the last straw that makes the battered wife say, ‘no mas.’ ”  

From “Rules to Run By” - Gail Collins - New York times July 12, 2014

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/12/opinion/gail-collins-rules-to-run-by.html

She preaching impeachment in public

With her singular syntax and logic

She's rantin' 'n railin'

Former Governor Palin -

The pit bull who applies her own lipstick.

She, and others, are screaming for impeachment because, what? They don’t like him?  That didn’t work so well with Bill Clinton.

There are scores of witnesses to be heard

Evidence to be weighed and considered

And facts, not just drama

To prove how Obama

Has high crimed and misdemeanored.

Politics - Two Years before the Next Presidential Election

News reports said that Texas Governor Rick Perry would not meet President Obama at the airport to shake hands, but he did.

Rick Perry was going to be rude

To display some raw Texas crude

The airport handshake

Did a little to break

The ice, but the mood was subdued.

The Republicans are talking law suits and impeachment, but they are not talking to Democrats, or about issues.

They call him an arrogant S.O.B.

The ‘worst president in history’

Their dislike’s unbounded

And I think it’s founded

In Obama’s Black ancestry.

Six Months of Blogging

Warning this message contains self promotional material, viewer discretion advised.

I’ve been posting some limericks I write

I disclaim any world altering insight

But I will claim

It helps me to reframe

My thoughts in a humorous light.

But I do have an ulterior motive.

I’m promoting this collection of mine

A book of limericks available on line

Borrow it free for a time 

With Amazon Prime

Or just buy it for two ninety nine.

Life, Limericks and the Pursuit of Happiness

Did Facebook Give You Positive News or Negative?

And how did you respond to their research?

Facebook manipulated the news

To see how it changed people’s views

A harmless experiment

With no evil intent

But the Guinea Pigs couldn’t refuse.

Big deal.  The results will help them serve you better.

So Facebook controls what you read

And alters the tone of your news feed.

Your reaction will show

What they want to know

To tailor their ads to your need.

He’s Thinking Outside the Box

That's why he's a leader.

John Boehner is going to get rough

Suing Obama for trying to do stuff

Boehner wants no disruption

Of total obstruction,

Killing bills just isn’t enough.

Summer,  and Welcome to Maine

One small group of local residents eagerly awaits the influx of summer folk - a.k.a. fresh blood.

As summer comes to Downeast

Most of the locals are pleased

When the tourists arrive

Their business will thrive - 

The mosquitoes prepare for their feast.

Why do people often say "got him" when they slap a mosquito?

It’s a well know biological fact

When a mosquito lands and gets whacked

If you got bit

It’s not him or it

It’s the female that always gets smacked.

Male mosquitoes are only good for one thing, and most of us would be happy if they failed at that.

There are many examples that show

The ineffectiveness of males, I know,

I understand, I sympathize

Why feminists don’t emphasize

The role of the female mosquito.

More on Weeds

By the side of the road I can see

Pretty leaves stretching out to caress me

It doesn’t take much

Just a very light touch

To feel how much Poison Ivy loves me.

Speaking of Poison Ivy

Dick Cheney has plenty of nerve

In the 60’s he was too busy to serve.

Despite the Iraqi blood fest 

And a new heart in his chest

He’s maintained his warmongering verve.

Operation Iraqi Freedom - after Eleven Years

Remember the rosy predictions?

Under the Awe and the Shock

Stuck between Hard Place and Rock

In a sectarian fight

Between Sunni and Shi’ite

Is a Crisis known as Iraq.

In Iraq we imposed ‘democracy’

It's rife with corruption and anarchy

How do we address

This violent mess?

With more troops and more weaponry?

Weeding

These two started out as an essay that I still haven’t finished, so you will miss the logic that produced these observations, and the conclusion.  I haven’t settled on the conclusion.

I wondered as I was pulling up weeds

What are their hopes. dreams and needs?

A nice neighborhood

Where conditions are good

Where they can flower and bring up their seeds.

I realized early yesterday

If they establish strong roots they will stay.

You must get rid of the roots

Not just the shoots,

Some think we should treat immigrants that way.

A friend said I should let people comment on the blogs.   Well, it’s possible.  All you have to do is overcome the assumption that ‘no comments’ is just a statement of fact.  

I just thought my readers should know

Space to enter comments will show

(Which you can submit

And I get to edit)

If you click on ‘no comments’ below.

Comment from Anonymous:   I hope I get your logic. Loved the limerick anyway and it made perfect sense on many levels ... 

Primary Season - and the Livin' is Sleazy

Some of us think that Eric Cantor is pretty conservative, but we've just been told we are wrong. 

Eric Cantor did not expect that

He would fall in primary combat;

The majority leader

Became election conceder

Brought down by a little known Brat.

His district is "safe" so no one needed to move toward the center.

The district has been gerrymandered

And the Tea Party candidate pandered

Appealed to a fringe

And moderates cringe

As Virginia has now been deCantored.

So how did an unknown with very little money manage to beat a powerful incumbent with plenty of cash to spend on his campaign?

Brat thanked  Ingraham for the support that she

Gave him in his stunning victory

But turnout was light

In reality he might

Also credit voter apathy.

Is Smut in the DNA of  all Limericks ?

There was a young [person] from [somewhere]

The hackneyed limerick starts there

And goes on to regale

In explicit detail

More information than most folks would share.

For example, there’s a man from Nantucket

Big boned, broad shouldered and rugged

Self absorbed, self satisfied,

His story’s glorified

In a limerick which may leave you disgusted.

One of Those Weeks When You Can't Even Find an Excuse

I’ve been a negligent host

It’s been a week or so since my last post 

I’ve skipped days before

But this week I missed more

In five months this week is the slow’st.

I apologize for my lack of profuseness

Analysis and explanation are useless

There’s no rhyme or reason

My attempts were unpleasin’

The gap, I’m afraid, is excuseless.

Buyer Beware

See notes below. 

I’m no lawyer, but I’m going to opine;

In a contract you should read every line

It might be fine at first

But should worse come to worst

The fine print might not be so fine.

If it seems too good to be true ...

I was ripped off, hoodwinked, bamboozled

I didn’t read what I should have perusaled

I still can’t believe

I could be so naive

It was a deal I should have refusaled.

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Partisan Politics

It was a tragedy, but I don't think it was a scandal.  And the death toll was well below Iraq and Afghanistan.

Benghazi is back in the news

The Republicans know who to accuse

They just need some facts

To back up their attacks

They are desperately searching for clues.

In the long run this is far more important, but science doesn't seem to do well in the polls.

On Climate Change, where there are clues

Republicans steadfastly refuse

To acknowledge any

Though there are many

And they claim the whole concept’s a ruse.

Fashion and Hearing

Earrings are a decorative thing
I have no need of such bling
I have my tinnitus
Which is ubiquitous
So I am never without my ears' ring.

Town of Greece vs Galloway

The Supreme Court decided 5 to 4 that the Town of Greece, NY could start it's municipal meetings with a Christian prayer, as long as there remains a possibility that another religion might be represented some time.  And it shouldn't bother any non Christians present.

The Constitution mandates a division
Between government and any religion
The Supreme Court didn't care
And now sponsored prayer
Is approved, per their recent decision.

I tried to give the Court the benefit of the doubt because my hearing isn't very good and sometimes I think I hear something very different from what the speaker thinks he or she has said.

When I mis hear something, I invent
What I think the speaker might have meant.
The Constitution is in print
So mishearing din't
Explain their distorting it's intent.

But maybe there is another explanation.

Six of the nine judges are men
Five of them voted to loosen
Restrictions on prayer.
Will they stop there?
Or can the women introduce reason again?

Now That I know it is National Limerick Day

The excuse behind National Limerick Day:

He was a 19th century pioneer
So, on May 12th of the year
National Limerick Day
Is our way to say
Happy Birthday to poet Edward Lear.

Many disdain limericks for the scatalogical content of a few popular ones:

Limericks have an unwholesome reputation
For a bald and naked fixation
Will it offend so
If I use innuendo
For disguised, restrained titillation?

Happy International Limerick Day

On May 11, 2014, at 9:56 PM (PDT), Henry Doerr wrote from New Zealand:

Limericker, McMillan, Doug
So successful, he's too smug
Forgetting that today
Is International Limerick Day
He now must hide in a rug.

Giving me, the smug one, time to wish Edward Lear (1812 - 1888) happy birthday and to wish all of you a Happy Limerick Day.

On this side of the dateline I'm OK

Because today is still Mother's Day

But thanks for the warning

Because in the morning

I'll need something limerickal to say.

And What Did You Do Yesterday That Was Different or Exciting?

I jogged up Market and then Sacramento
Down Channing and onto San Pablo
I tried hard to dent
The sidewalk cement,
The damage to the concrete doesn't show.

It was bloody embarrassing.

I didn't see where the pavement rose
But I found the bump with my toes
I didn't just land
On my outstretched hand
But on knees and forehead and nose.

It Was a Very Long Day

No, this is not a paid endorsement.

After 5 hours with the Concord Bus crew

We stayed in Boston an hour or two

To meet with TSA

Then 6 hours on our way

To San Francisco with a team from Jet Blue.

Despite the fact that the bus and plane seats had more room than many I have experienced (repeat above note) I was stiff and sore by the end of the day.

Sardined in a tube in the air

Cramped and wondering where

I could stretch out my feet

While strapped to a seat -

A torture rack in need of repair.

Congressional Peccadillos

Remember Anthony Wiener and Larry Craig?  The Supreme Court says you can contribute more than most houses are worth to influence the outcome of the campaigns of clowns like this.

Wiener (an unfortunate name)

Rose to (embarrassing) fame

When he posted arousal

(on-line, non spousal)

With a selfie as proof of his claim.

Larry Craig sat down in the airport.

When arrested for soliciting sport

He claimed the issue

Was an absence of tissue

He was merely signaling for it.

Slice of Life

I am always hoping I can find a way to eat what I want (take a bigger slice) and not gain weight.

A new diet cookbook?  I’ll buy it.

A new approach to weight loss?  I’ll try it.

But I procrastinate

So I don’t lose much weight

I call it the “next week” diet.

My college class asked for a few paragraphs describing what I have been doing since the last reunion. 

My summary is going to be short,

There’s really not much to report

Same job, same address

Same activities, more or less

Getting older and trying to ignore it. 

In memoriam

This is dedicated to Richard, Jim, Stu, Allen, Irving, Sally, Kathy, Kevin, and so many others who made this world a great place to live...

I now read obituaries every day

Each friend’s passing brings new dismay.

Dear friends, listen to me!

If you crave publicity

I want you to find a better way.

Just to be Clear

Most feedback on my limericks has been positive, but I’ve been told "keep your day job", and "don't expect be the poet laureate".  

Getting laughs is my prime motivation

I have never sought laureatification

If nominated I’ll decline

Appointed I’ll resign

But I’d gladly accept remuneration.

Is This You?

Are your taxes still on your mind

Do you want them finished and signed

But in all that mess

That covers your desk

Is a receipt you still need to find?

Senior Moment

A recent article gave seniors some credit

We have so much in our head it

May take a while

To find the right file

I just can’t recall where I read it.

Money = Speech?

It’s not a mathematical identity.

The Supreme Court stretched logic to reach

The conclusion that money is speech

Isn’t it funny

That speech is not money?

If we paid them with talk they would screech.

You pay sales tax and sales commission when you by a car or a house.

You can now buy your own politician

Thanks to their latest decision.

The Court had a chance

To bring the budget in balance

By imposing a stiff sales commission.

Or do they have a different agenda in mind?

Is the Court really doing their best

To solve the campaign financing mess?

With the most recent suit

They’ve taken the route

Of trying to privatize Congress.

The Affordable Healthcare Deadline

The website was a disaster, but ...

At the end they enrolled in a burst

Seven million bought insurance by the first

Many signed up freely

For their own policy

While others are feeling coerced.

... and then there are some of us who think there is a better way.

We pay dearly to be doctored and nursed

Though our system is far from the worst

We spend more on healthcare

Than most countries out there

Yet in longevity we rank fifty first.

A Corporation is a Person?   Just think about it for a second or two.

I thought we put an end to this 151 years ago.  Thank you Abraham Lincoln.

The Supreme Court didn’t think this one through

Stock ownership should be up for review

If you accept the assertion

A corporation’s a person

Then shareholders are Slave owners too.

Up until now bankruptcy has just been standard business practice.

If the justices had been more alert or

Taken their reasoning further

They’d realize that granting

Personal standing 

Means bankruptcy turns into murder.

A Corporation is a Person, my Friend.

The Supreme Court has ruled (Citizens United) that a corporation has many of the same rights as a human,  "free speech" being one of them, remember Money = Speech.

Though they’re God fearing women and men 

The supreme court defied logic again

In utter defiance

Of religion and science

They created life with the stroke of a pen.

I would like the court to explain

How a corporation can possibly attain

Humanity

With no eyes to see

No heart, no lungs and no brain.

All this comes up because the Court is considering a case in which a company claims its "deeply held religious convictions" should allow it to deny its employees health coverage for contraception.

The Supreme Court is reviewing a brief

Of a company seeking relief

It claims a corporation

- An inanimate creation -

Has a deeply held religious belief.

... to be continued.

 Ignoring the Big News of the Week

It’s snowing.!

The long term demographic trend

Will take power from elderly white men

Ol’ Man Winter is white

But he’s gonna fight

With a blizzard right up to the end.

Leaving aside for the moment the tragic disappearance of an airliner, a mud slide, the ongoing crises in Ukraine, Syria, Afghanistan, What might be Palestine, Ebola virus outbreaks, starvation, poverty ...... march madness ... you might have missed this important news.

The leadership of the world convenes

To discuss the method and means

To deal with Crimea

The press’s idea

Is to diss Obama’s blue jeans. 

Reaction to the Previous Post

I castigate these billionaire fellows

And mock the inane things they tell us

So some might surmise

That I criticize

Because I’m a little bit jealous.

Income Inequality - Again

One billionaire groused that the lower 99% shouldn't resent the billionaires and how much they have.

It's one percent versus ninety nine

A billionaire says "You’re doing fine,

You already have more 

Than most of the world’s poor

So suck it up and don’t whine."

A billionaire’s needs must be few

But he still finds some griping to do

All the money and power

Apparently feel sour

He wants love from the downtrodden too.

Tom Perkins, a venture capitalist, wrote a letter to the Wall Street Journal comparing the persecution of the "one per cent" to Kristallnacht, and later in a talk suggested that people should get one vote per dollar of net worth.

Tom Perkins, capitalist billionaire

Says the one per cent must beware

“They should change laws to suit us

Instead they persecute us

It’s like Nazi Germany out there.”

And went on to moan that the ninety nine per cent are trying to eradicate the one per cent, then the top five percent, and then the top ten per cent.

It’s the big gap that people resent

But eliminate the top one percent?

There will always be some

With the most wealth and income.

It’s a mathematically impossible event.

To My Loyal Readers (Both of You)

Since January I’ve been the host

Of a fitful limerick infused post

If my suspicions are right

My audience might

Be three or four readers at most.

There’s too much on the net to explore

The last thing the web needs is more

“Content” to read

So I’m filling a need 

By writing poems that are safe to ignore.